Buckle up, friends. This one (still) hurts.
I am ALL ABOUT relationship-centered teaching. Prioritizing the teacher-student dynamic is absolutely my gateway to satisfaction in this profession (as well as the fuel behind my students' musical growth).
...and 99% of the time, it works out in our favor.
Even still - we've all been burned a time or two, right?
As I spent last week writing and talking about the benefits of seeing all sides of an argument, I found my mind wandering back to a parental conflict from 2017.
We're talking about SEVEN YEARS AGO, friends... and the situation still bothers me.
In the end, I think it's because there was simply no "right" answer. There was no resolution tied-up in a pretty bow.
Life is messy, as they say.
The Cliff's Notes Version is this: I had a student I adored. Her family had a reputation for burning teacher relationships around town, but we were four years into working together, graduation was on the horizon, and I thought for sure we'd made it.
She was an excellent musician and I knew she trusted me (which was not something that came easily to her).
Enter: one lousy scheduling conflict on their part.
...parent doesn't like my proposed solution and sends me some unkind text messages.
...I can feel the situation escalating, so I call the parent, hoping to clear things up. That doesn't go well. She's yelling, I'm crying. She ultimately hangs up on me.
Parent texts me about how "out of control" I was on the phone.
(Sidenote: No amount of income is worth this, friends)
It's the end of the month; their account is paid in full. I text back, saying I'm unsure how this went so wrong, and suggested if she truly believes the things she's saying, it is best to part ways now before any more money is exchanged.
The next day, I received a WHOPPER of a text message from the parent, telling me "what a disappointment of a human being I am" for dropping her, how I'd "ruined her daughter's year", and how "my business will never prosper because all I care about is money".
She also said, "Never contact my daughter again".
Cue punch-to-the-gut.
Again, this was a student I was close with. To simply end the relationship without an explanation felt unimaginable.
Yet, parent-child relationships outrank teacher-student relationships. They just do.
I respect parental authority and would never go against it.
As you've likely heard me talk about in my Zero-Energy List, there is nothing we are going to do to change the parenting dynamic in a family. It is outside the realm of our influence.
To this day, I have no idea what my student was told about the situation. I am quite sure it was not the truth.
Obviously - this still bothers me. I have re-read the text messages countless times, looking for something I could have offered or said better.
I know I stood up for myself appropriately and ultimately made the decision that was best for my well-being. At the same time, I feel as though I let my student down.
I am haunted by the nagging question: Was my need for professional respect more important than maintaining a predictable support system for this student at an important time of her life?
The truth is: I don't think there is a "right" answer here. It was what it was, and there's only moving forward.
I have this incredible friend who always has THE BEST perspectives on situations. Upon hearing the (much more-detailed) version of this experience, her first reaction was, "Wow. That parent must be dealing with something really heavy, because this is clearly not about you."
...and I wholeheartedly agree.
I think that is what bothers me the most. Here is a teenager who lost an important influence in her life because her parent was struggling with...something.
Could I (should I?) have overcome it to maintain a relationship I knew to be beneficial for this student?
I know fully well I was not in the wrong. I'm just not sure there was any "right" to be found in the situation, either.
So, friends: I say all this to you today to remind you of a few things:
- Sometimes there is no "right" or "wrong". Some things just are.
- Everyone we meet is fighting their own battle against something. Sometimes those struggles seep into other places.
- Building strong studio relationships can hurt you. I still think it's worth it.
It's like that Tennyson quote: "Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all", right?
...even when it's hard.
So friends! Do YOU have a story of studio heartache? If you'd love a place to get it off your chest, HIT REPLY and tell me about it. I'm not always great at responding, but I promise I read every word you send me.
AND - if you would like to hang with empathetic teachers who GET IT, our next session of Teachers Teaching Teachers is TOMORROW. Sign up here.
🥂Cheers to accepting the limitations of "right" and "wrong", my friends!🥂